Disclaimer: As I’m sure you have noticed, the word ‘meditations’ indicates these thoughts will be coherent, tranquil and life-changing with inspirational quotes an wisdom a’plenty. Please do not expect any of this, or I can guarantee you will be sorely disappointed.
The Fraud Police are the imaginary, terrifying force of ‘real’ grown-ups who you believe – at some subconscious level – are going to come knocking on your door in the middle of the night, saying:
We’ve been watching you, and we have evidence that you have NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE DOING. You stand accused of the crime of completely winging it, you are guilty of making shit up as you go along, you do not actually deserve your job, we are taking everything away and we are TELLING EVERYBODY.
– Amanda Palmer, The Art of Asking; or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help. (If you haven’t read this. Do it. Do it now. Put the Internet down and read it.)
Does this sound at all familiar? This constant sensation that you’re not the right person for the job? That you’re not up to the task? That every imaginable success you have achieved in your entire lifetime is actually just the result of an administrative error or a typo? That your name won’t actually be on the list, and it’s just some elaborate ploy that the ENTIRE world is in on…except you? You have? Oh brilliant, I thought it was just me and Amanda Palmer.
Welcome to impostor syndrome – make yourself at home. Actually don’t! Instead, remain on the periphery, try not to mingle with anyone and certainly don’t give off the impression that you’re in anyway comfortable. That’s much more in-keeping with the whole ‘impostor’ shebang.
It’s like that feeling when you’re in primary school and the teacher asks a question to the class, so you raise your hand and he/she points at you. So, you start answering with ever so slightly too much confidence, only to be interrupted by the teacher: “No, Martha, not you. I was pointing at Roger.” At which, you slowly turn your head to see the smug face of Roger directly behind you, as he delivers the correct answer and gets a gold star on the wall chart.
Bitter? What are you talking about bitter? This is 100% hypothetical. Gah, you sound just like Roger.
A life spent feeling like an impostor when it comes to your own abilities can be tough sometimes, but many people feel exactly the same way. Including (surprise surprise), yours truly.
Someone’s paying me a compliment…
#fraudpolice
I just clicked ‘publish’ on my new blogpost about impostor syndrome…
Fraud Police.
I got into university…
Oh hello again, Fraud Police.
When I’m making a sandwich…
Actually the Fraud Police don’t feature in this scenario, I’m just a bit hungry.
The Fraud Police are, of course, a manifestation of everything negative we’re taught about our own creativity, mingled in with a spoonful of insecurity and a dash of some good old-fashioned rejection. Mix together, place on a baking tray lined with belief-proof paper and bake until you can literally feel the low self-esteem wafting from the oven of shame.
Ahem. I am hungry.
And I wish I could give you 10 practicable bullet points on how to get over impostor syndrome, but there’s really only one, incredibly dull cliché I can offer you:
Believe in yourself.
Actually, not even in yourself (that’s perhaps too much to ask), but believe in your work and the rest will come later.
Because, if you can’t even convince yourself that your work is any good, how are you going to convince anyone else? The critics? Your friends and family? The Internet?
So, next time they come knocking, give the Fraud Police a piece of your mind. Remember you have your poetry, and they’re just a figment of your imagination, so it will be an easy fight.
Oh! Sorry guys, gotta go, someone’s knocking on my door…
(Image: Finger wallpaper at Ai Weiwei’s exhibition. Photograph taken at the Royal Academy of Arts, London, December 2015).
Writing, rewriting, writing etc. 